Do you ever think of me?

I sometimes wander if you think of me. If something triggers your heart with thoughts of me. If you remember my smile or feel a tug remembering my laugh, If you close your eyes and see my face. 

And if you do, I hope it hurts like hell. 

Yesterday I felt my first real heartbreak;

My cousin passed away.

It was the first time I truly felt hurt.All the other times I was "hurt" were ridiculous, nothing compared to the inevitable pain I felt last night.  I was overwhelmed with tears and there was an invisible structure choking my  heart. It was squeezing my heart. It was adding full pressure to my heart. It was strangling it. Making sure it felt the loss. 

And I certainly did.

There is an empty piece replacing my cousins beautiful face. I just remember how a few months ago my uncle had the webcam on, and he was showing us his new born baby boy. He had this big beautiful smile on his face. He was wearing a baby blue overall. His wide eyes were staring surprised and overwhelmed at the camera. And we laughed and cooed about how cute he was.

Not having a clue of his tragic destiny. 

Or how just three weeks ago, my mother and I went out and bought him toys. And I especially emphasized on getting him a blue small car. And my mum would say that he is too young to understand and I said its for when he grows older. 

Little did I know that three weeks later  he would pass away. He didn't even get to SEE the toys we sent him. 

I'm just thinking of how selfish I am. Of thinking I had problems that were stupid and petty compared to this. To this beautiful baby boys death. To my cousin.

I'm just thinking of how the ache from yesterday is still there. Permanently engraved in my heart. How I was a train wreck. How the tears wouldn't stop coming and how that god damn  brick in my throat constricted it. And I just couldn't use my voice because it was long lost in my tears. it got lost in the big ass ocean of tears. It got half way through the ocean and then found out why I was crying then cried itself. 

And now I'm on the bus. On my way to school. The very next day. The windows are foggy from our breath's combined to make a barrier against the outside world. I sit here acting like everything is okay.thinking of how no one will know about how broken I was yesterday. How they will treat me like they treated me yesterday . How my Maths teacher will go in and teach the class and ask for my homework not knowing how broken I was yesterday. Or how my study supervisor will tell me to not sit beside my friend not knowing how broken I was yesterday and how much I need to just be with them right.  And how everyone in the cafeteria will laugh and joke and go on as If nothing happened not knowing how broken I was yesterday.

And I come to a conclusion; 

Life goes on.

Life goes on.

Life still goes the hell on.

And now, as I sit in the third seat in the bus on my way to school, I am sure that; the tears won't stop and the hurt won't go away.

But I'll try stay strong. Ill smile and laugh and go out during break and say I'm fine if anyone catches me in at a vulnerable moment.

And then ill look up and say "thank god for everything" because everything is written and everything is done with purpose. And He knows why this happened. And I can only hope that I will get to see my cousins beautiful smiling face soon. And I'm hoping even more that he can get a better blue toy car to play with in heaven.

Remember When?

Remember when we were so young?

We would be at the park with our mothers and our childhood friends. And we would see the big kids laughing with there friends and just sit there admiring them. Scrutinizing everything they did
with adoration and unusual fear but couldn't wait till we were like them.They looked so cool standing there.They didn't have there mothers with them.They could do it all on there own.They had it all figured out. That's what we thought.We couldn't wait to grow up and be one of those kids.Little did we know.

Those big kids were confused.

Just like we are now.

Too bad we figured that out too late.

Their friends?There was at least two people that secretly hated each other.They may have been mad at each other.Sure, they look like there having  the times of there lives,but teenagers are good lies.Its all fake.All those smiles don't mean much.

Each one of those 'big kids' had something going on.

They all had secrets they were hiding.

They all had a burden.

Do you remember that girl with the beautiful long black hair.Did you notice how she has a long sleeved shirt on when everyone else had t-shirts on? That's because her insecurities lead her to harming herself.

How bout that boy wearing the Abrecrombie and Fitch? He is pressurized to keep the wealthy,happy look for the reputation of his father.Or the girl who has one earphone in her ear occasionally laughing at something the guys say? Her parents are going through a divorce and she wants to be as far away from home as possible.Did you look twice at the girl with the ripped jeans? If you notice properly, they weren't bought ripped.She wears them everyday,not because she loves them-like says- but because there the only pair of jeans she has.The only pair of trousers she has because her parents are already working all week in three jobs.

And lastly,the genuinely happy girl

Shes not so happy though 

because they all tell her 

all there burdens

And we were clueless to this.There happy facade fooling us.
Remember when your mother was at work?And your babysitter was downstairs making you lunch.And you sneaked into your mothers room and took out her pair of red heels. You put them on and felt like a princess.Like your beautiful mother.Thing is, your mother had those heels on when she got fired last week. That's why she had them hidden deep deep down into the closet,because they remind her of the job she lost.Of the money she wouldn't be able to collect for you.
Or how bout that day you broke the beautiful glass candle holder that was on the table and your mum yelled at you?You started crying and then she hugged you and apologized.

That was because your father bought her that on there anniversary.

And she was upset because your father can't buy her anymore of them.

Unless there from heaven

And we couldn't wait to grow up.But now that we did, we'd do anything just to go back.

xx

S.Z

That One

S.Z

xxx

That girl
that stayed over
all night
watching movies
and getting
masks done

And the one
that
texted me
in the room
when she
was sitting across me
because she was
too lazy to
talk

And the one

that played

video games 

with me 

untill my 

mum threatened 

to snap the CD in half

And the one

that screamed

with me

when there was a spider

at the corner

of the room

And the one

that was

always there

offering me

a hug

when i needed it

wouldn't even 

smile

at me anymore

xxx

S.Z

A Women's Heart Is A Deep Ocean Full Of Secrets- Rose,Titanic

S.Z

xxx

I recently watched the Titanic again and cried a bucketful,as usual.But this particular quote really stuck in my head and touched me.It is so true and exact that it amazes me.A women's heart is the most beautiful thing.Its kind no matter how mean the mind makes it be.Its generous and giving.It is fragile and delicate.It can be broken by the simplest of words yet it gives itself away all the time. 

You see a women's heart is more then a body part that keeps her alive.Its a piece of her she sacrifices when she meets that one special guy.Or maybe guys.but that's not the case.It knows it may be in danger,the guy might cheat on you,he might play you or worse,tell you he loves you when he doesn't and you believe him. 

Guard your heart ladies.It may be already bandaged up from the numerous breakups and heartaches but don't let it go astray.Listen to it because its always right.Your heart is a surviver. Its full of memories and secrets.Its burdened by the tragedies that happened to you.Yet it stays quiet and secret.Your heart,is fragile and delicate.Guard it.Don't throw it away to any guy you see.

And it's sad to say,I learnt that the hard way.

And so did Rose.

xxx

S.Z

Introduction

S.Z

xx

I am an aspiring teenage writer.

I have a very wide imagination.

I am quite unextraordinary but I would love to do something meaningful with my linguistics.

I have confident,powerful views on certain things. 

I am a generally optimistic person who always looks for the bright side of things.

 I am very reliant on my friends and my biggest fear is to be alone.

I love photography.

Its my alternative to writing. 

I have a broad variety of ideas running through my mind all at once.

I am different in the way that I don't let the media dictate my thoughts

or the way i'm supposed to dress.

I am an active person who always has an opinion on something.

I love languages and love to meet new people

I am not a judgmental person

I am quite open minded and a good listener

I hope you like my writing.

xx

S.Z