Yesterday I felt my first real heartbreak;

My cousin passed away.

It was the first time I truly felt hurt.All the other times I was "hurt" were ridiculous, nothing compared to the inevitable pain I felt last night.  I was overwhelmed with tears and there was an invisible structure choking my  heart. It was squeezing my heart. It was adding full pressure to my heart. It was strangling it. Making sure it felt the loss. 

And I certainly did.

There is an empty piece replacing my cousins beautiful face. I just remember how a few months ago my uncle had the webcam on, and he was showing us his new born baby boy. He had this big beautiful smile on his face. He was wearing a baby blue overall. His wide eyes were staring surprised and overwhelmed at the camera. And we laughed and cooed about how cute he was.

Not having a clue of his tragic destiny. 

Or how just three weeks ago, my mother and I went out and bought him toys. And I especially emphasized on getting him a blue small car. And my mum would say that he is too young to understand and I said its for when he grows older. 

Little did I know that three weeks later  he would pass away. He didn't even get to SEE the toys we sent him. 

I'm just thinking of how selfish I am. Of thinking I had problems that were stupid and petty compared to this. To this beautiful baby boys death. To my cousin.

I'm just thinking of how the ache from yesterday is still there. Permanently engraved in my heart. How I was a train wreck. How the tears wouldn't stop coming and how that god damn  brick in my throat constricted it. And I just couldn't use my voice because it was long lost in my tears. it got lost in the big ass ocean of tears. It got half way through the ocean and then found out why I was crying then cried itself. 

And now I'm on the bus. On my way to school. The very next day. The windows are foggy from our breath's combined to make a barrier against the outside world. I sit here acting like everything is okay.thinking of how no one will know about how broken I was yesterday. How they will treat me like they treated me yesterday . How my Maths teacher will go in and teach the class and ask for my homework not knowing how broken I was yesterday. Or how my study supervisor will tell me to not sit beside my friend not knowing how broken I was yesterday and how much I need to just be with them right.  And how everyone in the cafeteria will laugh and joke and go on as If nothing happened not knowing how broken I was yesterday.

And I come to a conclusion; 

Life goes on.

Life goes on.

Life still goes the hell on.

And now, as I sit in the third seat in the bus on my way to school, I am sure that; the tears won't stop and the hurt won't go away.

But I'll try stay strong. Ill smile and laugh and go out during break and say I'm fine if anyone catches me in at a vulnerable moment.

And then ill look up and say "thank god for everything" because everything is written and everything is done with purpose. And He knows why this happened. And I can only hope that I will get to see my cousins beautiful smiling face soon. And I'm hoping even more that he can get a better blue toy car to play with in heaven.